The Hotel End

General Category => Jokes Page => Topic started by: Bingers on February 18, 2011, 23:47:36 pm



Title: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on February 18, 2011, 23:47:36 pm
...stolen from elsewhere, but thought I would share:

A farmer has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

I've just been arrested for stealing full-stops. I'm expecting a lengthy sentence.
 
I met an American Indian couple the other day, Lone Wolf and his wife, Four Horses. I asked whether the names had any particular significance, and Lone Wolf explained "Nag, nag, nag, nag"...

Ikea have released a new range of Lesbian furniture. No screws, no nuts just all tongue and groove.....

Just been burgled :-(

They took my dictionary and Scrabble game. I'm lost for words...

 i came home from work and the mrs was watching masterchef , why you watching this i said , you cant cook , you watch porn was her reply

Little Jimmy's mum goes to his parents evening at school.  All is fine, but his teacher says that he won't stop talking to the girls.  His mum replies, if you find a solution, can you let me know, I have the same problem with his dad.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on February 19, 2011, 04:37:35 am
 ;D


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on March 17, 2011, 21:33:38 pm
My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture.  I've got a hunch it might be me.

I've been with my partner for 3 years now and started having erection problems. We have different views about the problem, she bought me viagra, I bought her a treadmill

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave.  She thinks I'm digging a pond.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s arse?  A mechanic.

What did the slug say to the snail?  “Big Issue, mate?”


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: fatblokecobbler on April 24, 2011, 11:54:45 am
For sale Man u Shyted radio,volume ok,bass ok,treble f***ed


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on July 14, 2011, 08:19:00 am
More one liners...... ;D ;D


The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."


I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of ********. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back

 
A man knocked on my door today saying he was selling raffle tickets for orphans in Africa. I told him to buggar off; knowing my luck I'd win one.

Kermit the frogs been arrested.
Police have found indecent pictures of miss piggy on his computer.
One source stated it's the worst case of Frog s pawn they've ever seen............................

 
Whatever you do don't join the Tesco Dating Service!
A pal of mine did and he got a bag for life.

 ;D



Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Erith_Cobbler on July 14, 2011, 12:01:06 pm
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of
82.

I'm easily lead.

 ;D


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on July 21, 2011, 14:04:16 pm
"The problem with internet quotations is that some of them are not real"  Sir Winston Churchill


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on July 29, 2011, 21:08:28 pm
Apparently, 1 in 20 people live next door to a paedophile. Not me though, I live next to two fit 14 year olds with cracking tits.



I was shopping online today and saw I a horse I liked the look of, so I clicked 'add to cart'.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on August 05, 2011, 21:19:18 pm
I went to a zoo recently. It only had one animal on display...a small fluffy dog. It was a Shih Tzu.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!




Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on August 29, 2011, 19:11:03 pm
A Wrexham fan walks along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another Taffy who says, "you shearin' mate?"  The first guy replies "naw, they're all mine".



A prawn went to a shrimp's cocktail party. He pulled a mussel.



Passed a scarecrow earlier who was trying to have a wank.  Felt sorry for him.  He was clutching at straws.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: guest49 on August 29, 2011, 21:53:07 pm
Have you seen that Hilary Devey on Dragons Den? She made her millions in the haulage business.....
hauling around her massive testicles. There is only one word to describe her though; frank. It's her manner and most probably her real name.

(sickipedia)


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on September 07, 2011, 21:32:46 pm
I remember the first time I ever saw a dry-wipe white board.  I thought, "Wow, that IS remarkable".


I thought my pet snail would be much faster if I took off his shell, but if anything he was more sluggish.
 

I never wanted to believe my dad stole from his job as a lolly pop man but when I got home all the signs were there.




Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: St Edmundsbury Cobbler on September 13, 2011, 06:43:23 am
Pritt is the worst lip balm I've ever used... but I couldn't complain.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on September 16, 2011, 20:47:55 pm
 A boy dies after masturbating 42 times in a row...its sad to see him toss his life away like that.


I call my dog carpenter as it keeps doing jobs around the house, once I kicked it and it made a bolt for the door...




Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Wolvo on September 17, 2011, 00:08:33 am
The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on September 23, 2011, 22:23:33 pm
When asked about the present currency crisis; 8 out of 10 people asked in Liverpool said they wanted to stay in the Giro.


Beyonce has just learned that Roy Castle is her true biological father, but has decided against using his surname...
 



Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on September 24, 2011, 10:58:11 am
 ;D ;D both


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on September 27, 2011, 21:31:22 pm
Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It was driving down the road when, all of a sudden, it turned into a field.


Mrs Bingers always buys me 'slightly imperfect' suits from the factory shop.  The last one wasn't too bad though, it was just that one arm was a bit shorter than the other two.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: St Edmundsbury Cobbler on September 30, 2011, 12:45:27 pm
Greece:  you can have your weather back when you pay your bills.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: fatblokecobbler on November 16, 2011, 21:49:18 pm
My mate says he always cries after sex......mind you he is in prison.



Just bought a Carlos Tevez best goals dvd......cant get the fecker to play


Got the wife one of those fish pedicures the other day must say i was very impressed.....them piranha dont feck about do they


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on December 09, 2011, 14:05:10 pm
Sex in a lift is wrong, on so many levels. ::)


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on December 28, 2011, 20:10:44 pm
Bloke I know has just bought a pub, he reckons that he will call it one of the following 3 names: The Prince Charming , Goody Twoshoes or The Kings Of The Wild Frontier.  I've tried to talk him out of it but he's adamant .


Went out to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.....


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: oldbloke on February 03, 2012, 06:13:18 am
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally
swigged from a bottle of Tippex.  I woke this morning with a huge
correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so
I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with
the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I
saw her face......

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
shouting "paedo" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out
of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom
of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by
a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for
starters!'


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: semilong cobbler on February 05, 2012, 19:18:04 pm
Going to get a valentines day card from moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on February 09, 2012, 08:20:02 am
During this snow all my wife does is look through the window, if it gets any deeper I might let her in.....


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: fatblokecobbler on February 14, 2012, 21:01:43 pm
I went to a club for female amputees last night,place was crawling with fanny


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: mazza82 on February 15, 2012, 06:40:31 am
My sister just found out that she has Hayfever and Diabetes.
So I trued to cheer her up with the usual....flowers.....chocolates...

Last summer I set up a clinic for Colonic Irrogation, but the Hosepipe ban hit us hard!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: cobblersbob on March 19, 2012, 20:40:49 pm
My wife just told me there was water in the carburettor.
"Where's the car?" I said.
"In the river"

Tommy Cooper lives!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: cobblersbob on March 25, 2012, 00:30:53 am
Bloke A - "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Bloke B - "I don't know. I've never looked".


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: semilong cobbler on May 04, 2012, 08:57:27 am
tea is for mugs

angb, thats bang out of order

viagra is for dicks

i'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers

whoever made wind is an arsehole

virgin money. a bank that won't f*** with you



Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on May 30, 2012, 13:47:26 pm
Statistically, Liverpool has the largest number of street signs in the U.K.
9 out of 10 of them being "Thieves operate in this area".


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on May 30, 2012, 16:17:55 pm
I saw a Jehovah's Witness walk up my garden path, so I said to my wife "Quick, pretend I'm not in".
So she started masturbating with the electric toothbrush.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on June 22, 2012, 14:59:11 pm
Last Sunday was Father's Day or "Guess Who" as it's known in P@@hboro.

Just bought some counterfeit Mr. Kiplings .... I must say they are
exceedingly good fakes.

P@@hboro.... the only place where you can find multipack's of
Father's Day cards.

 ;D


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on July 16, 2012, 21:45:33 pm
I was driving this morning when I passed an AA van parked by the road. I saw the driver sat on the kerb with his head in his hands crying and shaking his head and thought "He's heading for a breakdown"...


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: NaggerPagger on July 26, 2012, 13:58:52 pm
'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on July 30, 2012, 20:55:24 pm
I got banned from the local book shop today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on August 03, 2012, 13:52:43 pm
My wife and I have been together for such a long time that we finish each other's sentences by simply adding "you f***in idiot".


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on August 31, 2012, 14:13:25 pm
What is the similarity between Las Vegas and Pooborough? In both places you can buy sex with chips.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on October 07, 2012, 20:47:42 pm
the other day someone asked me what i knew about dwarves.

very little, i replied...


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on October 23, 2012, 21:15:44 pm
I bought my nephew an Action Man for his birthday. Now he tells me he wanted a red indian. I've been trying to put a brave face on it!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: southofthecounty on October 26, 2012, 19:17:30 pm
I've been searching for my wife's killer for two years now.
Does nobody want the job?

My wife called me thick earlier.I replied, 'You're no rocket surgeon yourself.'

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.I love marker pens.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: defender on November 05, 2012, 17:16:34 pm
Bloke A - "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Bloke B - "I don't know. I've never looked".

  A man asked my mate, does your wife smoke? he replied only when we make love.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on December 07, 2012, 21:14:53 pm
There's live origami on the television tonight - its paper view.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on February 02, 2013, 11:27:08 am
If you say gullible slowly it sounds like orange.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on June 10, 2013, 11:39:19 am
FOOTBALLER INTELLIGENTSIA

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham
 
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
 
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham
 
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
 
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
 
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
 
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper
 
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton
 
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore
 
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
 
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate
 
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
 
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
 
" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
 
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison
 
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
 
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: defender on June 20, 2013, 15:05:44 pm
What do you call two sheep tied to a lampost in Llanelli?  A Leisure centre!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: southofthecounty on June 21, 2013, 16:12:57 pm
What do you call two sheep tied to a lampost in Llanelli?  A Leisure centre!

Surely that should be Newport?


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Big guns on July 02, 2013, 17:04:33 pm
i just brought a racehorse called My Face

It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear women in the crowd screaming come on My Face!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on August 04, 2013, 17:37:03 pm
What's the difference between a nun and a woman having a bath?

A nun has a soul full of hope.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on August 07, 2013, 15:20:47 pm
My mate hired an Eastern European cleaner the other week. He told me it took her over 15 hours to hoover the entire house... Turns out she was a Slovak.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: defender on November 05, 2013, 09:18:10 am
My mate hired an Eastern European cleaner the other week. He told me it took her over 15 hours to hoover the entire house... Turns out she was a Slovak.
Very good!


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on March 17, 2014, 17:09:09 pm
Just got a new computer with the voice to text app. It's good, what do you think Christian mark


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on March 27, 2014, 08:51:30 am
I had a dream I was drowning in fizzy orange pop. Turned out it was only a Fanta sea.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on September 12, 2014, 12:39:42 pm
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A man is walking his dog through a churchyard one morning when he espies another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning", says the dog walker cheerily. The other man replies "No, just having a s***".



Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Deepcut Cobbler on September 17, 2014, 10:13:22 am
On holiday on the beach, there was a man in the sea shouting "HELP, SHARK, HELP!!!"
I laughed, I knew the shark wasn't going to help him....


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on October 05, 2014, 09:23:23 am
The referendum in Scotland took place without a single shot being fired.
Now that it's over, the murder rate in Glasgow should return to normal


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on October 05, 2014, 09:24:10 am
Scientists agree that the only way to solve the planet's worsening energy crisis, is for
the whole world to convert to solar power.........that's not going to happen overnight.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: singcobb on October 05, 2014, 09:25:00 am
Suffering from severe OCD nearly drove me to kill myself;
Fortunately, I could never write a suicide note that I was entirely happy with.


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: semilong cobbler on October 16, 2014, 16:08:33 pm
I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her pussy.
"Oh for fcuk's sake, you whore!" I said. "Have some fcuking dignity about yourself and at least use a dildo or something."
"Oh p!ss off, Ian," she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"






Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: semilong cobbler on October 16, 2014, 16:09:44 pm
I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
"No". I said, "but I did get a budgie excited once."


Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: Bingers on October 16, 2014, 21:17:42 pm
Im a bit worried about a mate who's just come back from Africa, he can't stop buying raffle tickets - looks like hes got tombola.


If you get an email with a picture of a smart gentleman's hat in it, don't download any attachments, apparently it's the e-bowler virus.


I got arrested by a policeman in China and he read me my rights, it didn't take long.


The guy who invented the anagram died today....may he "Erect a pe nis"



Title: Re: Some one liners
Post by: North_East_Cobbler on October 21, 2014, 11:05:25 am
I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
"No". I said, "but I did get a budgie excited once."

Good one  ;D. . . . . took a good couple of reads to get i  :-[, but I got there eventually!   :afro