Few quick ones

[MikeElderton]

Suarez
Liverpool issue a statement to say Luis Suarez is staying, but the feeling remains that they might have bitten off more than they can chew

Whitney
I'm glad they didn't make a "Share a Coke with Whitney" bottle, I think she had enough

Son
My wife came home to find me in a bad mood and our baby son screaming.
"What's going on?", she asked.
"I was playing with him on my lap and he kicked me in the balls", I said.
"It was an accident", she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"Now he f***ing does", I replied

[Deepcut Cobbler]

A couple of quick ones:
The Consultant was giving a tour of the hospital to potential recruit Doctors, and they passed by a room and saw a patient standing next to his bed, holding the bed for support, and furiously masturbating. Everyone was astonished, but the Consultant, being a witty individual, told the juniors that the man had a rare condition that caused an incredible overproduction of semen, and the man had to masturbate several times a day in order to relieve the pressure and keep his reproductive system from literally exploding.

They continued the tour, and about 20 minutes later, they came across another room where a male patient was getting a blow job from one of the hospital nurses. The potential Doctors looked at the Consultant, when he stated, “Same problem as the other guy but he's BUPA.”

[defender]

A couple of quick ones:
The Consultant was giving a tour of the hospital to potential recruit Doctors, and they passed by a room and saw a patient standing next to his bed, holding the bed for support, and furiously masturbating. Everyone was astonished, but the Consultant, being a witty individual, told the juniors that the man had a rare condition that caused an incredible overproduction of semen, and the man had to masturbate several times a day in order to relieve the pressure and keep his reproductive system from literally exploding.

They continued the tour, and about 20 minutes later, they came across another room where a male patient was getting a blow job from one of the hospital nurses. The potential Doctors looked at the Consultant, when he stated, “Same problem as the other guy but he's BUPA.”

 very, very, funny. Well done!

[singcobb]

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

[semilong cobbler]

If you take nine pigs, four cows and three dogs, what do you have?

A hen party in Essex.

[semilong cobbler]

I went to a fancy dress party as a spider last night.
God knows what time I crawled in.

I've been to court today, and I'm officially better than Real Madrid.
I got Bale.

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top.

[semilong cobbler]

I'm not saying my wife's a fat, greedy bitch,
but she's just cleaned the cooker with two slices of bread.

[semilong cobbler]

 As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies.
Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Northampton earlier today.
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

Son: Dad, how much are abortions?
Dad: Well, 26 years ago they were more than I could afford....