Some one liners

[Bingers]

...stolen from elsewhere, but thought I would share:

A farmer has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

I've just been arrested for stealing full-stops. I'm expecting a lengthy sentence.
 
I met an American Indian couple the other day, Lone Wolf and his wife, Four Horses. I asked whether the names had any particular significance, and Lone Wolf explained "Nag, nag, nag, nag"...

Ikea have released a new range of Lesbian furniture. No screws, no nuts just all tongue and groove.....

Just been burgled :-(

They took my dictionary and Scrabble game. I'm lost for words...

 i came home from work and the mrs was watching masterchef , why you watching this i said , you cant cook , you watch porn was her reply

Little Jimmy's mum goes to his parents evening at school.  All is fine, but his teacher says that he won't stop talking to the girls.  His mum replies, if you find a solution, can you let me know, I have the same problem with his dad.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

 

[Bingers]

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture.  I've got a hunch it might be me.

I've been with my partner for 3 years now and started having erection problems. We have different views about the problem, she bought me viagra, I bought her a treadmill

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave.  She thinks I'm digging a pond.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s arse?  A mechanic.

What did the slug say to the snail?  “Big Issue, mate?”

[fatblokecobbler]

For sale Man u Shyted radio,volume ok,bass ok,treble f***ed

[Deepcut Cobbler]

More one liners......


The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."


I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of ********. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back

 
A man knocked on my door today saying he was selling raffle tickets for orphans in Africa. I told him to buggar off; knowing my luck I'd win one.

Kermit the frogs been arrested.
Police have found indecent pictures of miss piggy on his computer.
One source stated it's the worst case of Frog s pawn they've ever seen............................

 
Whatever you do don't join the Tesco Dating Service!
A pal of mine did and he got a bag for life.

 

[Erith_Cobbler]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of
82.

I'm easily lead.

 

[Deepcut Cobbler]

"The problem with internet quotations is that some of them are not real"  Sir Winston Churchill

[Bingers]

Apparently, 1 in 20 people live next door to a paedophile. Not me though, I live next to two fit 14 year olds with cracking tits.



I was shopping online today and saw I a horse I liked the look of, so I clicked 'add to cart'.

[Bingers]

I went to a zoo recently. It only had one animal on display...a small fluffy dog. It was a Shih Tzu.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

[Bingers]

A Wrexham fan walks along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another Taffy who says, "you shearin' mate?"  The first guy replies "naw, they're all mine".



A prawn went to a shrimp's cocktail party. He pulled a mussel.



Passed a scarecrow earlier who was trying to have a wank.  Felt sorry for him.  He was clutching at straws.

[guest49]

Have you seen that Hilary Devey on Dragons Den? She made her millions in the haulage business.....
hauling around her massive testicles. There is only one word to describe her though; frank. It's her manner and most probably her real name.

(sickipedia)

[Bingers]

I remember the first time I ever saw a dry-wipe white board.  I thought, "Wow, that IS remarkable".


I thought my pet snail would be much faster if I took off his shell, but if anything he was more sluggish.
 

I never wanted to believe my dad stole from his job as a lolly pop man but when I got home all the signs were there.

[St Edmundsbury Cobbler]

Pritt is the worst lip balm I've ever used... but I couldn't complain.

[Bingers]

 A boy dies after masturbating 42 times in a row...its sad to see him toss his life away like that.


I call my dog carpenter as it keeps doing jobs around the house, once I kicked it and it made a bolt for the door...

[Wolvo]

The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

[Bingers]

When asked about the present currency crisis; 8 out of 10 people asked in Liverpool said they wanted to stay in the Giro.


Beyonce has just learned that Roy Castle is her true biological father, but has decided against using his surname...
 

[Deepcut Cobbler]

  both

[Bingers]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It was driving down the road when, all of a sudden, it turned into a field.


Mrs Bingers always buys me 'slightly imperfect' suits from the factory shop.  The last one wasn't too bad though, it was just that one arm was a bit shorter than the other two.

[St Edmundsbury Cobbler]

Greece:  you can have your weather back when you pay your bills.

[fatblokecobbler]

My mate says he always cries after sex......mind you he is in prison.



Just bought a Carlos Tevez best goals dvd......cant get the fecker to play


Got the wife one of those fish pedicures the other day must say i was very impressed.....them piranha dont feck about do they