Some one liners

[Deepcut Cobbler]

Sex in a lift is wrong, on so many levels.

[Bingers]

Bloke I know has just bought a pub, he reckons that he will call it one of the following 3 names: The Prince Charming , Goody Twoshoes or The Kings Of The Wild Frontier.  I've tried to talk him out of it but he's adamant .


Went out to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.....

[oldbloke]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally
swigged from a bottle of Tippex.  I woke this morning with a huge
correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so
I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with
the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I
saw her face......

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
shouting "paedo" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out
of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom
of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by
a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for
starters!'

[semilong cobbler]

Going to get a valentines day card from moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

During this snow all my wife does is look through the window, if it gets any deeper I might let her in.....

[fatblokecobbler]

I went to a club for female amputees last night,place was crawling with fanny

[mazza82]

My sister just found out that she has Hayfever and Diabetes.
So I trued to cheer her up with the usual....flowers.....chocolates...

Last summer I set up a clinic for Colonic Irrogation, but the Hosepipe ban hit us hard!

[cobblersbob]

My wife just told me there was water in the carburettor.
"Where's the car?" I said.
"In the river"

Tommy Cooper lives!

[cobblersbob]

Bloke A - "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Bloke B - "I don't know. I've never looked".

[semilong cobbler]

tea is for mugs

angb, thats bang out of order

viagra is for dicks

i'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers

whoever made wind is an arsehole

virgin money. a bank that won't f*** with you

[singcobb]

Statistically, Liverpool has the largest number of street signs in the U.K.
9 out of 10 of them being "Thieves operate in this area".

[singcobb]

I saw a Jehovah's Witness walk up my garden path, so I said to my wife "Quick, pretend I'm not in".
So she started masturbating with the electric toothbrush.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

Last Sunday was Father's Day or "Guess Who" as it's known in P@@hboro.

Just bought some counterfeit Mr. Kiplings .... I must say they are
exceedingly good fakes.

P@@hboro.... the only place where you can find multipack's of
Father's Day cards.

 

[Bingers]

I was driving this morning when I passed an AA van parked by the road. I saw the driver sat on the kerb with his head in his hands crying and shaking his head and thought "He's heading for a breakdown"...

[NaggerPagger]

'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

[singcobb]

I got banned from the local book shop today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.

[singcobb]

My wife and I have been together for such a long time that we finish each other's sentences by simply adding "you f***in idiot".

[singcobb]

What is the similarity between Las Vegas and Pooborough? In both places you can buy sex with chips.

[Bingers]

the other day someone asked me what i knew about dwarves.

very little, i replied...

[Bingers]

I bought my nephew an Action Man for his birthday. Now he tells me he wanted a red indian. I've been trying to put a brave face on it!