Some one liners

[southofthecounty]

I've been searching for my wife's killer for two years now.
Does nobody want the job?

My wife called me thick earlier.I replied, 'You're no rocket surgeon yourself.'

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.I love marker pens.

[defender]

Bloke A - "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Bloke B - "I don't know. I've never looked".

  A man asked my mate, does your wife smoke? he replied only when we make love.

[Bingers]

There's live origami on the television tonight - its paper view.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

If you say gullible slowly it sounds like orange.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

FOOTBALLER INTELLIGENTSIA

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham
 
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
 
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham
 
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
 
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
 
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
 
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper
 
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton
 
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore
 
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
 
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate
 
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
 
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
 
" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
 
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison
 
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
 
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[defender]

What do you call two sheep tied to a lampost in Llanelli?  A Leisure centre!

[southofthecounty]

What do you call two sheep tied to a lampost in Llanelli?  A Leisure centre!

Surely that should be Newport?

[Big guns]

i just brought a racehorse called My Face

It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear women in the crowd screaming come on My Face!

[singcobb]

What's the difference between a nun and a woman having a bath?

A nun has a soul full of hope.

[singcobb]

My mate hired an Eastern European cleaner the other week. He told me it took her over 15 hours to hoover the entire house... Turns out she was a Slovak.

[defender]

My mate hired an Eastern European cleaner the other week. He told me it took her over 15 hours to hoover the entire house... Turns out she was a Slovak.

Very good!

[Deepcut Cobbler]

Just got a new computer with the voice to text app. It's good, what do you think Christian mark

[singcobb]

I had a dream I was drowning in fizzy orange pop. Turned out it was only a Fanta sea.

[Deepcut Cobbler]

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A man is walking his dog through a churchyard one morning when he espies another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning", says the dog walker cheerily. The other man replies "No, just having a s***".

[Deepcut Cobbler]

On holiday on the beach, there was a man in the sea shouting "HELP, SHARK, HELP!!!"
I laughed, I knew the shark wasn't going to help him....

[singcobb]

The referendum in Scotland took place without a single shot being fired.
Now that it's over, the murder rate in Glasgow should return to normal

[singcobb]

Scientists agree that the only way to solve the planet's worsening energy crisis, is for
the whole world to convert to solar power.........that's not going to happen overnight.

[singcobb]

Suffering from severe OCD nearly drove me to kill myself;
Fortunately, I could never write a suicide note that I was entirely happy with.

[semilong cobbler]

I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her pussy.
"Oh for fcuk's sake, you whore!" I said. "Have some fcuking dignity about yourself and at least use a dildo or something."
"Oh p!ss off, Ian," she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"

[semilong cobbler]

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
"No". I said, "but I did get a budgie excited once."